In my previous blog I introduced you to what assertiveness is not and how easily we are fooled into labelling bullying, nagging and all the variations in between, as examples of assertiveness.
Communication is the engine which drives everything we do and if we aren’t good at it, we’re likely to be eliciting myriad negative responses. Being stroppy is NOT being assertive – it’s simply being rude. Pushing people into doing things they don’t want to do like a proverbial sheepdog is not assertive either – it reaps passive aggressive behaviour from the person being ‘herded’, and so the consequences of poor communication techniques mount up.
Let’s explore the true nature of assertiveness.
It’s a verbal or written exchange characterised by a calm, clear, specific, peer-to-peer, solution-orientated combination of words and body language - the key to gaining true cooperation.
I stress peer-to-peer because we so easily slip into critical parent or scared child mode which immediately redefines our exchange along power struggle lines.
There is no power struggle in assertive communication.
We’re being open, honest and respectful. We share our concerns, the negative impact a specific behaviour is having on us and why we’re worried about it.
We do the opposite of that which we normally do in threatening situations i.e.: get angry, run away or freeze. Because we remain focused on the specific issue under discussion and don’t allow ourselves to be led down emotive paths, we are more likely to work from a solutions-based thought pattern. We are able to give unpleasant messages whilst retaining our dignity, respect and humanity because assertiveness ensures we extend those qualities to the person with whom we are interacting.
It’s an essential life skill and takes training and practise to adopt and perfect - it’s a behaviour that’s largely foreign to many of us.
Small wonder it’s one of our most popular workshops!
Staff Training offers various courses dealing with Assertiveness, click here for more.