In a recent article titled The Art of not being Offended, Dr Shemsi Prinzivalli states, “In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date. In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive.â€
Right there in that one sentence is the encapsulation of all that matters.
In my thinking, when I am acting from fear, I would like someone to help me undo it. That would be why I am acting out. It would be a cry for help, consciously or unconsciously. They don’t have to step up and physically undo it, but it would be great if they could help me unpack it. Understand it. See it from other perspectives. It would be great if they could hold me in a safe space even, so that I personally have the time to make sense of it. They could even just stop doing anything at all, simply giving me my own time and space to manoeuvre my thoughts.
How seldom do we see this behaviour from our fellow human beings though? The empathy that allows you just to be you. The empathy that sees you, your emotions and interpretations as worthy? A human that can be loved even though ostensibly wrong.
As a leadership and diversity facilitator, I have the pleasure of meeting many amazing people on a daily basis and without exception each one of those delegates sits in front of me with pain. Their own experiences, their own filters, their own fears and their own defenses.
It is my mandate to help them to unpack that fear-based behaviour and to understand it and specifically to see how that behaviour impacts on those around them. Whether it be their work colleagues or their clients, in some cases their families or even their own success.
A few years ago I had the good fortune of hearing about The Enneagram, a tool that helps us to understand our own fears and filters; a tool that helps us to understand our own motivations and strengths. One that takes us from fear-based behaviour to empathy and understanding. From being extremely blinkered, to much less so. I have subsequently studied the Enneagram intensively and become an accredited Enneagram Coach.
This learning I love to share, as I have seen those who have benefited from it go from strength to strength. I have seen organisations that were fear-based transform into great places to work and I have seen people who never stepped outside of their comfort zones, open up to the world and embrace it in its entirety.
Dr Prinzivalli continues to say, “All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering. When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing.â€
How I have needed to be reminded of the need for such acceptance in South Africa just recently. So today I go forward with a renewed purpose to bring to the fore the empathy and acceptance, the kindness and collaboration, the dialogue and the joint goals that we all need to create a better world for our children and for our village. Thank you Dr Prinzivalli.
© Debbie Engelbrecht is the CEO of Staff Training, a soft skills training company offering more than 60 soft skills courses, including Emotional Intelligence, 3 Day Leadership, and The Enneagram and Team Building.